9 years anniversay --- thyroidectomy

 Have you ever had the impression that your head is boiling when actually you are just seating down with your family?

this is how it is for me on daily basis, wherever i am, my head is full with noise, questions, stories imagined by me, and after awhile i could even believe them.

and when i get back to my sense, and get out of my head i feel exhausted, sad, and overwhelmed.

it has been 9 years since my surgery, and i had difficult moments, but this year feels to be the hardest, i am unable to manage my feelings, i am hypersensitive around people and honestly being called drama queen doesn't help.

my anxiety came back, my mood swings are way too frequent and i feel the need to leave everything behind.

i know it is a temporary moment, and i can only feel better, but sometimes to noise in my head is louder than my own voice and i am tired to fight.

i realized through the years that i am the only one that can face this and that sometimes i must close on myself to protect myself , anyway elhamdoullah always

30% of Ramadhan Gone

 Hi

the last 10 days for me were exhausting, usually Ramadhan bring a certain feeling safe and good, this year it has been full of stress, running a lot to finish everything.

Yet, it is the best month to face ourselves, no more evil during 30 days, have you felt the difference, or are you , your own devil. have you felt that your ideas are purified, have you felt that you are nicer or calmer.

basically in the last 10 days, i felt that i was the one blocking myself, i was the one hurting myself, i should stop finding excuses and work hard to be a better person.

if your prayer is not perfect during normal days we would say the devil blocked me, so what would be the reason for an imperfect prayer during ramadhan, if the blocker is not there it should be easy, annnd no, it isn't, we really need to focus on these details if we want to improve and grow.

ramadhan is a reminder that we can give more time to God and religion if we are ready to organize ourselves.

it is a daily work, a daily effort a daily responsability, sometimes small achievement are what makes us going forward, and it start with one page of quran at each prayer

so let's build good habit in ramadhan and keep them after 

allah y 9aderna

Saha ftourekoum

when you & me doesn't mean us anymore (written in 2018)

To you the guy who broke my heart
to you the guy who ignored me
to you the guy who didn't take time to listen to me
to you the guy who hurts me
to you the guy who never saw me as a priority
to you the guy who took me for granted

you have to know that
i am strong
i am not scared to be alone
i don't need you

but
if i always show up
if i always text
if i always call

because,
here i am, i choose you , i want you and this is my worst decision ever.

beyond the pain , i see the smile
beyond the scares, i feel your breath
beyond the distance, i fill my tears

Confidence Challenge....impostor syndrome

 Hi my name is Djamila, i am not confident enough with myself.

Today, i had an amazing moment, i felt proud of myself, of who i am!!

let me explain:

2 years ago, i prepared a meeting with our partners to introduce to them new mandatory tranings and discuss ways of working, it was the first time i had to lead the meeting, and for sure i felt nervous and stressed.

yet i did the job, as good as i felt it was possible, today i have met someone who attended that meeting and who disappeared since,not knowing why,i assumed he moved to new position.

he explained to me that he had a heart attack, and he had to step down, but he mentioned also that after that meeting he went home and talked to his wife and children about me, saying that he was impressed by how i was leading the meeting and giving time to everyone to talk, and being able to combine the right ideas and answer without get nervous or angry since the people i had in front of me where a bit aggressive.

and just like that i felt like 2 years ago i made good impression, and obviously i need to keep working to keep it high.

and i realized that random feedback from time to time, positive or negative can help to improve and grow, so we should start asking our colleagues or manager how are we doing.

between me , myself and I , i have always been able to recognize that i have impostor syndrome , and today i was listening to Emma Chamberlain podcast about this subject and she defined 5 types of it and the one i felt i might be the closer is the expert imposter syndrome, when you believe that you must know everthing about a subject since you are the expert in the room, and this reminded me of the endless training, where people trying to block me on a specific question or knowledge, and me working hard every evening to get better at it and be able to answer all questions.

obviously it was not a healthy behavior, i ended up with a lot of unmanaged feelings.

Emma talked also about impostor syndrom in daily relationship, and i realized that i could relate to that, when the relationship is stable, and then may be something will happen, i will automatically think that i am not enough for the person, i am not doing enough to make to person happy and from that moment once again the confidence challenge is back.

i think there is a daily work to be done, to face the impostor syndrome, yet everyone of us needs to be honest with them self, and work in accepting our flows and improving day by day.

we don t need to be perfect, we need to be mindful with our self

i keep working!!