Disconnected from this world

 elhamdoullah, if this come to an end it was a great adventure,

today, i celebrate my one year at my job, yes time flies but actually i have seen this time passing, the last year was rich of experiences, learning, frightening moments and amazing ones.

and i found myself thinking that if this was the end it's ok no regret and i would be happy of all what i have achieved.

in the same time i realized that i could say this to every little part of my life, i have met people and lost them through time and i feel ok with that, it was good the time it lasted.

i feel that i don't have a connection to anything in this world, i mean i could lose everything i still feel ok.

am i the same person that would cry if i scratch my car? yeah same person, differetn reactions but inside i know that those tears are from frustration and not from sadness.

i hope Allah will make me as disconnected from this world as possible.

i want to be able to say good bye and move to next thing as smooth as possible

fiha kheir inchallah

New Month.. any plans?

 Finally January is over, elhamdoullah, it was a year long month feeling.

to be honest, many things happened during January, but on my emotions it was smoother, not because things got better, or may be a little because things got better, but somehow i understood that there are things i cannot fight or change, and i just need to be patient and time will bring the best.

so any plan for February? not really, considering that Ramadhan is coming in the next 18 days inchallah, i wonder what should be my resolutions for the sacred month? i don't feel strong enough to share them here this is sure.

things change in a quick way, and we don't realize it , actually i see it i feel it i realize it, but many times i just shut up about it, even if it would eat me slowly slowly, and sometimes it is the best to do.

so let's this 2026 year finally start, and let me wish to myself and amazing and successful year ahead.

fiha kheir inchallah

Shortness of breathing

 Have you ever felt that your throat is pressed down and you cannot breath?

I am feeling this everyday for the last couple of week, why?? i have no idea...

might be thyroid symptoms, or being overwhelmed, over stressed, as a result i cannot breath properly.

it is not all the time, it is not continuous, but it is here.

last time i felt this was 10 years ago post operation, but who knows why i am having this feeling.

I still live in a normal way, just breathing slowly and deeper!!

let's hope for the best inchallah!!  

Le reconnaitre..

 How Can i recognize him?

when i say i am a details oriented person you cannot imagine, i can recognize my man in so differetn ways that it eats my energy..

his eyes of course despite his coverence ( eyebrows)

His way of walking. he has the habit to walk straight then to change is dominant feet

his hands (fingertips on a guitare)

smile is too easy

his voice

the way he plays guitare, when i hear the notes i know if it is him playing or not ( he has a way of moving on the strings just special and different from others)

the sound of his breathing

the way he caughs when sick

his laughter ( and this makes me smile)

it might seem uninteresting, but for me all these smalls details are part of me so when our path don't cross because life is too busy, i can spott him on a random video or story and i smile, i laugh or i cry depending how long was the waiting.

Let it be ... let it go

 2025 has been the year of let it be.. let them go or let them be..

yes Mel Robbins explained that sometimes you just need to let the people be them self or let them go if they want, i do understand this concept since when i want to leave i don't ask permission i will just do it... But when i am the one staying and i feel that the person with me is being too silent , putting distance, i would have the feeling that the person is leaving, at that moment i need closure...

I cannot just let them go or let them be, i need to understand why, my issue is not the separation, i've known for a long time that there is no forever in this life but leaving without explanation is just hard at least for me.

some of my friends told me that the moment they make up their mind they don't care about the why, may be my self-esteem is too low or i need to close a chapter in the best way to be able to move on.

so in a realtionship i would let it be, as much as possible, i learned to forget about the small details, to let go things that doesn't matter ( even if for me everything matters a lot) but if i have to close this story i should not have regrets and the only way for me is the discussion.

now how difficult it is to ignite the discussion when there is 2000km distance and somehow time difference.

it needs courage and right now i am lacking courage!!

may be another day!!! 

You are my life

 Happy New Year? Happy New Day?

with time i get lazy with all these celebrations, i prefer random messages during the year wishing you an amazing moment, or doing a silent prayer in the middle of the night because i care about you and i know you need it.

but this is not today's subject, today i said something to myself, "building your life activities around one person"

to be honest, this is one of my biggest weakness, if i love someone, i would put all of me my happiness my energy my everything around this person, unfortunately when this person doesn't react in the same may as in the beginning or before my whole construction collapses and me with it.

it is scary to realize that i might have been wrong my whole life, ( not all the 45 years might be the latest year only) and it feels hard to correct it.

I could see the plan and the discipline/commitment required and this might me the solution to what is hurting most on my daily life.

yet i wonder if i could do it by myself. writing this i feel my throat getting smaller and painful. this is gonna be a long journey!!!

let's see!!

2025 another year leaving...

I want to have a summary of 2025, let's see what i could find as positive & negative feelings:

Pros 2025:

New Job

New experience ( i could not image i can start a new professional job)

went to kenya

visited Dubai 3 times

saw my best friend 4 times this year

went to Djanet twice 

received an african dress and a traditinal clothes from Djanet

enjoyed music festival all summer

spent quality time with my parents

went playing with my nephews

walked a 10km race

cooked almost everyday for my parents

became the queen of brownies

did some crochet bags

get back to the gym

have seen many friends from polytech

loved too much

Cons 2025:

Lost my best friend +20 years

stopped the gym for almost 6 months

did not have the heartful experience on my second trip to djanet

was not able to maintain my thyroid levels to a stable number

could not focus on my self

emotionally depended

cried enough to fill up a whole dam

not a big fan of meeting people in real life

adopted remote work too often

unable to have a healthy eating routine

loved too much

feeling that i am closing myself to the world

not interested in anything

moody on daily basis

i don't know if these are all of them, i know that life is about ups and downs and anytime any day Elhamdoullah, God knows us and knows what is best for us!

I even don't have anything to wish for 2026 allah ydjib elkheir.. this is it!!