What are you ready to give up?

 I am an overthinker, my head never turns off but luckily my thoughts can be as positive as it can be negative.

in my way of seeing this life, i keep myself as far as possible from any conflict, i don't like being in an negative mood or environment, so if i have an issue with someone i try to talk it out, if the person in front of me has already taken his/her decision i will give up and move on, but what will happen to that relationship? it will be less important for me, and i will keep talking in a polite way, but i won't invest my personal part, unfortunately i cannot share part of me if my heart doesn't feel safe. 

i can give up friendships , even love relationship if i don't feel heard, accepted or comfortable and for many this might be the normal behavior, but actually i give space, i give chances but sometimes for a small thing i give up everything.

unfortunately i am an emotional person and am not good at taking decisions hihihih how about you?

will i change?

 i am a big big girl in a big big world.... i have no idea why i am starting with these lyrics, inspiration is a bit weird sometimes.

Hello April , this 2026 is running faster than i expect it i feel that very soon heat wave will come and then winter will be back ( even if i feel that winter is still around)

you know what i prayed god to be less sensitive, to be stronger to be aware of what is happening around me, and actually i realized a couple of things and i try to adopt to them, i saw that some people will pull out and not be that present in my daily, i saw that some would care and notice my absence, and it is not always those that you expect.

once again we really take everything for granted, and honestly this is the time we get hit by a big loss or a big disappointment. next week will be nassima allah yerhamha birthday, and it was one of my yearly connection with her, and for the second year consecutive i feel emptiness, i feel lost and sad.

death might takes those people that gave us the opportunity to feel happy , those that correct our path with their advances, those that heal our hearts.

but we cannot stop at death we have to keep going and pay attention that our path is clear and safe because we are in charge or our sanity, security and happiness.

so let's keep working

inchallah fiha kheir  

Disconnected from this world

 elhamdoullah, if this come to an end it was a great adventure,

today, i celebrate my one year at my job, yes time flies but actually i have seen this time passing, the last year was rich of experiences, learning, frightening moments and amazing ones.

and i found myself thinking that if this was the end it's ok no regret and i would be happy of all what i have achieved.

in the same time i realized that i could say this to every little part of my life, i have met people and lost them through time and i feel ok with that, it was good the time it lasted.

i feel that i don't have a connection to anything in this world, i mean i could lose everything i still feel ok.

am i the same person that would cry if i scratch my car? yeah same person, differetn reactions but inside i know that those tears are from frustration and not from sadness.

i hope Allah will make me as disconnected from this world as possible.

i want to be able to say good bye and move to next thing as smooth as possible

fiha kheir inchallah

New Month.. any plans?

 Finally January is over, elhamdoullah, it was a year long month feeling.

to be honest, many things happened during January, but on my emotions it was smoother, not because things got better, or may be a little because things got better, but somehow i understood that there are things i cannot fight or change, and i just need to be patient and time will bring the best.

so any plan for February? not really, considering that Ramadhan is coming in the next 18 days inchallah, i wonder what should be my resolutions for the sacred month? i don't feel strong enough to share them here this is sure.

things change in a quick way, and we don't realize it , actually i see it i feel it i realize it, but many times i just shut up about it, even if it would eat me slowly slowly, and sometimes it is the best to do.

so let's this 2026 year finally start, and let me wish to myself and amazing and successful year ahead.

fiha kheir inchallah

Shortness of breathing

 Have you ever felt that your throat is pressed down and you cannot breath?

I am feeling this everyday for the last couple of week, why?? i have no idea...

might be thyroid symptoms, or being overwhelmed, over stressed, as a result i cannot breath properly.

it is not all the time, it is not continuous, but it is here.

last time i felt this was 10 years ago post operation, but who knows why i am having this feeling.

I still live in a normal way, just breathing slowly and deeper!!

let's hope for the best inchallah!!  

Le reconnaitre..

 How Can i recognize him?

when i say i am a details oriented person you cannot imagine, i can recognize my man in so differetn ways that it eats my energy..

his eyes of course despite his coverence ( eyebrows)

His way of walking. he has the habit to walk straight then to change is dominant feet

his hands (fingertips on a guitare)

smile is too easy

his voice

the way he plays guitare, when i hear the notes i know if it is him playing or not ( he has a way of moving on the strings just special and different from others)

the sound of his breathing

the way he caughs when sick

his laughter ( and this makes me smile)

it might seem uninteresting, but for me all these smalls details are part of me so when our path don't cross because life is too busy, i can spott him on a random video or story and i smile, i laugh or i cry depending how long was the waiting.

Let it be ... let it go

 2025 has been the year of let it be.. let them go or let them be..

yes Mel Robbins explained that sometimes you just need to let the people be them self or let them go if they want, i do understand this concept since when i want to leave i don't ask permission i will just do it... But when i am the one staying and i feel that the person with me is being too silent , putting distance, i would have the feeling that the person is leaving, at that moment i need closure...

I cannot just let them go or let them be, i need to understand why, my issue is not the separation, i've known for a long time that there is no forever in this life but leaving without explanation is just hard at least for me.

some of my friends told me that the moment they make up their mind they don't care about the why, may be my self-esteem is too low or i need to close a chapter in the best way to be able to move on.

so in a realtionship i would let it be, as much as possible, i learned to forget about the small details, to let go things that doesn't matter ( even if for me everything matters a lot) but if i have to close this story i should not have regrets and the only way for me is the discussion.

now how difficult it is to ignite the discussion when there is 2000km distance and somehow time difference.

it needs courage and right now i am lacking courage!!

may be another day!!!