30 days of Ramadhan

 i had high hopes on this month!!!

i believed that it was the right moment to get some new habits, to clean my life and start over, so i focused on praying more, reading quran, being nicer, smile more, cleanse my mind and my heart

unfortunately, after 20 days, i felt the anxiety surrounding me, i get lost in my mind and confused with my emotions, the habit that i was able to construct for 20 days have been lost in two days of strong anxiety.

and then a new exercise had to be started, being strong enough to live through the negative energy without loosing what have been learned lately.

i had to balance between loving my self and blaming my self for not being strong enough, i had to feel the loneliness and yet to keep my head above water to avoid drowning

i realized that to feel better i needed someone that understand every little feeling i was having, someone as he said that loves me and that is stubborn, luckily i love him too.

ramadhan has been hard this year, the stress of not being able to make everything perfect as i wished, not able to be finish my bucket list somehow,  made me consider the fact that i have to work hard during the year to improve, to protect myself from all what could hurt, and to be strong

May allah gives us the strenght to be better

i am not me anymore

 If i had to be totally honest with myself, i am tired, not physically but my mind, my emotions, right inside of me

i am tired to be stressed, i am tired to overthink,i am tired to be scared of everything that i am not doing.

if you see me outside you won't realize it, somehow i see my self as totally broken , and i ask myself if you would see it would you talk to me? would you be there for me?

people around me don't exactly get it, and mainly they want to find the me happy and full of energy but here it is all what i want is screaming my pain and crying out loud.

people asks me to be independant and strong, but how can i do that when i even cannot look at me? when i am unable to ask for help? when i feel lonely and so sad?

I know that i am a good person, i know that there are people that care about me, but i believe that people will get tired of me, and they will give up on me

because is this world ,we all can be replaced

9 years anniversay --- thyroidectomy

 Have you ever had the impression that your head is boiling when actually you are just seating down with your family?

this is how it is for me on daily basis, wherever i am, my head is full with noise, questions, stories imagined by me, and after awhile i could even believe them.

and when i get back to my sense, and get out of my head i feel exhausted, sad, and overwhelmed.

it has been 9 years since my surgery, and i had difficult moments, but this year feels to be the hardest, i am unable to manage my feelings, i am hypersensitive around people and honestly being called drama queen doesn't help.

my anxiety came back, my mood swings are way too frequent and i feel the need to leave everything behind.

i know it is a temporary moment, and i can only feel better, but sometimes to noise in my head is louder than my own voice and i am tired to fight.

i realized through the years that i am the only one that can face this and that sometimes i must close on myself to protect myself , anyway elhamdoullah always

30% of Ramadhan Gone

 Hi

the last 10 days for me were exhausting, usually Ramadhan bring a certain feeling safe and good, this year it has been full of stress, running a lot to finish everything.

Yet, it is the best month to face ourselves, no more evil during 30 days, have you felt the difference, or are you , your own devil. have you felt that your ideas are purified, have you felt that you are nicer or calmer.

basically in the last 10 days, i felt that i was the one blocking myself, i was the one hurting myself, i should stop finding excuses and work hard to be a better person.

if your prayer is not perfect during normal days we would say the devil blocked me, so what would be the reason for an imperfect prayer during ramadhan, if the blocker is not there it should be easy, annnd no, it isn't, we really need to focus on these details if we want to improve and grow.

ramadhan is a reminder that we can give more time to God and religion if we are ready to organize ourselves.

it is a daily work, a daily effort a daily responsability, sometimes small achievement are what makes us going forward, and it start with one page of quran at each prayer

so let's build good habit in ramadhan and keep them after 

allah y 9aderna

Saha ftourekoum

when you & me doesn't mean us anymore (written in 2018)

To you the guy who broke my heart
to you the guy who ignored me
to you the guy who didn't take time to listen to me
to you the guy who hurts me
to you the guy who never saw me as a priority
to you the guy who took me for granted

you have to know that
i am strong
i am not scared to be alone
i don't need you

but
if i always show up
if i always text
if i always call

because,
here i am, i choose you , i want you and this is my worst decision ever.

beyond the pain , i see the smile
beyond the scares, i feel your breath
beyond the distance, i fill my tears

Confidence Challenge....impostor syndrome

 Hi my name is Djamila, i am not confident enough with myself.

Today, i had an amazing moment, i felt proud of myself, of who i am!!

let me explain:

2 years ago, i prepared a meeting with our partners to introduce to them new mandatory tranings and discuss ways of working, it was the first time i had to lead the meeting, and for sure i felt nervous and stressed.

yet i did the job, as good as i felt it was possible, today i have met someone who attended that meeting and who disappeared since,not knowing why,i assumed he moved to new position.

he explained to me that he had a heart attack, and he had to step down, but he mentioned also that after that meeting he went home and talked to his wife and children about me, saying that he was impressed by how i was leading the meeting and giving time to everyone to talk, and being able to combine the right ideas and answer without get nervous or angry since the people i had in front of me where a bit aggressive.

and just like that i felt like 2 years ago i made good impression, and obviously i need to keep working to keep it high.

and i realized that random feedback from time to time, positive or negative can help to improve and grow, so we should start asking our colleagues or manager how are we doing.

between me , myself and I , i have always been able to recognize that i have impostor syndrome , and today i was listening to Emma Chamberlain podcast about this subject and she defined 5 types of it and the one i felt i might be the closer is the expert imposter syndrome, when you believe that you must know everthing about a subject since you are the expert in the room, and this reminded me of the endless training, where people trying to block me on a specific question or knowledge, and me working hard every evening to get better at it and be able to answer all questions.

obviously it was not a healthy behavior, i ended up with a lot of unmanaged feelings.

Emma talked also about impostor syndrom in daily relationship, and i realized that i could relate to that, when the relationship is stable, and then may be something will happen, i will automatically think that i am not enough for the person, i am not doing enough to make to person happy and from that moment once again the confidence challenge is back.

i think there is a daily work to be done, to face the impostor syndrome, yet everyone of us needs to be honest with them self, and work in accepting our flows and improving day by day.

we don t need to be perfect, we need to be mindful with our self

i keep working!!

Happy V. Day??

I am just joking, i don't care much about V. Day, i celebrate love everyday, i say i love you everyday, and somehow, sometimes i feel it is not enough.

This life is a bit small to have hate feelings or hold grudges, of course there is no way to have that perfect barbie world and this is why we all have to be wise or mature enough to see the right signs when to leave, there is a french song saying, we should leave the table when love is cleared, may God bless us.

Now, how about Love? i am a big fan of love, of strong feelings of small gestures, we don't need to say the words i love you to show our love, we could express it with small moments, with normal daily actions and that's the most important.

from time to time i get this and i feel alive, but the rest of the time i need to focus on self love.

for those forgetful, V.Day is an opportunity to show and share their love, for the rest of the population it is over-rated, this year as every year, i shared this with my friends telling them i love you and confirming that i am here for them.

maybe one day, i will get that red teddy bear and rose or sweet chocolate, till then say i love you to the people around you every single day.