the more you, you are??

 I am a big fan of Trevor Noah, his book, his shows or comedy i just love it, he has an amazing way to describe any situations and i just end up laughing!!

Today, i heard a sentence the more you you are , the fewer people you will get around you, the more standard you are you will attract a bunch of people, but may be for a shorter time.

who can really afford to be himself 100%; in our world you will be qualified as drama queen or susceptible just because you focus on many things or you have opinions that might be different (i heard people calling me that way), but here it is i am me and i am sensitive, and i get offended just when something is late, and i don't care.

somehow i reached a point where you better accept me as i am (because i will always make an effort to be there for you in your own way), otherwise i don't need you in my life.

I don't want to make efforts anymore,

I am not perfect and will never be, but i am not an hypocrite

Tomorrow I die!

 What if you are informed that tomorrow you will die? what would you do in the remaining 24hours?

what would be your last actions or activities? my favorite prayer to God is to ask about Housn elkhatima, to be successful at the end of this life.

if i am told the i got 24 hours then Game over, i would make a list of the people i would like to say bye to, the people i would like to see, obviously i cannot see everyone i know , but there are few i would love to have a last word with them.

i think i would try to be nicer than usual, just to be sure that my loved one would keep this image of me, i would eat sushi because it is my comfort food, i would say i love you to those that matter, i would smile to the people in the street, because somehow i have nothing to lose, i would feel free to say no when something is bothering me

i think we should all reconsider if we are doing the best for us and for the people around us, saying i love you, smile more, being nice should really be a normal daily life and not an exception because we have received a 24hours notice.

i used to say smile & be positive!! this is what we need most in our life

Happiness is small moments

 i cannot be happy all the time

actually it doesn't make sense to be happy all the time.

but there are moments that makes me euphoric, a song, a cloud, a discussion, a smile, a photo, happiness is small moments alone or with people that know how to reach your heart.

i am lucky to have people that don't ask anything from me but give me so much attention, love , connections, in moments i am not able to provide any energy, they rebuild me without me asking anything.

i am thankful to God for this kind of blessing, and i pray him to give me the strength to be there when they would need me.

being present and giving without expectation is a mindset, and this is me whenever everything is fine and yet when life get dark and my mind is overwhelmed, i cannot give no more, and at that moment i would need  all support i can get.

happiness these days is short, but i feel grateful for having it . elhamdoullah!!

i thought i was healed

when you go through anxiety , and you hit the healing phase, you start hoping that everyday is just on step ahead to find yourself back.

obviously, it is not that easy, today is good the rest of the days are more complicated, and then one day, you get a continuous good feeling day after day.

and here you are facing life , strong , may be not as before but still it is cool, you are moving forward.

and out of nowhere, one day, you receive a message, you see something, you get a call, and your hands are shaking, your heart is racing, your breathing is not as smooth as usual.

and for a second you are scared, it is back, that bad feeling, the hurting emotion is back.... and just like that you welcome back the panic, and you wonder what can be done.

first of all, breathe, breathe loudly, if you have a support system call it, and the most important deconstruct  the situation by answering to the questions:

- what is bothering me?

- what can be the best responses?

- will i be ok if i don't give a response?

- why am i reacting this way?

by using the 5 why methods you should be able to get close to the real reason that made you feel bad .

this friday, i have answered a message in an honest way, doing so i have received an answer that made me feel bad, during a second i felt anxiety back, i felt that all my healing process was not finished.

just after that i had to drive and i almost was hit by  a car . at that moment i have decided that i won't care about all of this.

if anyone cannot understand my action of decision it is ok i should not feel as bad as that day.

anxiety doesn't go, it will be co-living with us; and in every stressful situation it might come back

so be strong what ever happen, and have a great support system

Traveling the world

 Hi,

I love traveling and this blog was supposed to be about the 20 visited  countries, it ended up about my mental health ( it is a journey it should be ok right?)

i miss feeling the airport as my home, i miss hearing "ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking welcome on board...." I miss the continuous language switching, may be not the jetlag yeah... hihih!!!

traveling experience made me able to listen to people talking and focus on their story and their expereince, it showed me differences but also commun points

travelling helped me to build my culture and grow a profound respect for the people that take their personal time to know me or to show me around

in China i learned that if i go to the mountain i have to do as the people of the mountain ( this was the exact words my manager gave me when i arrived)

in Ethiopia i discovered that children in primary school believe that the pupil asking questions is a bad child so during class they are all quiet and shy

in Iran, i saw people happy to live their life, playing music in the garden and singing around

in Rwanda, i walked in the cleanest city in the world and i have been greeted by amazing smiles around

in Namibia, i learned to appreciate having dogs around and felt less scared

in Burundi, i swam in the river of crocodiles (i did not know before)

in peru, i loved dancing salsa with strangers in the street

every little detail is why i am this version of me, every country brought something in my life or even changed it.

May be one day i will be well organized and share the impact of each country!!

new resolution

 New Month

New Resolution

I have spend the last 30 days, listening to my emotions, to my body, crying out loud my pain and my sadness. enjoying alone time and being scared of loneliness.

yet i still focus on my breathing from time to time, because i feel overwhelmed.

i have decided to take decisions and stick to them:

- protect my energy: no more caring unconditionally

- focus on me all the time: if anything is bothering me, just leave with no regrets

- accept the fact that closest people may became the less connected to you and don't try to change it

i don't know if this will make me stronger or feel better, but somehow i need to work on it.

hopefully this new month, is the opportunity to bloom.

fiha kheir inchallah 

Alone Vs Lonely?

 

Being alone will bring the silence around you and will help you to reconstruct your soul, mind, heart and energy.

It's a process that needs time and strength to never give up.

Yet, sometimes alone became lonely and the silent  is too loud to help.

we don't know how to reach out in a clear manner when the silent is not convinient anymore, And yet ,God ,will send the most unexpected people to support you, to show you that you are loved. People that would call you a flagship, that would remind you of your internal flamme and energy or that would believe that you could achieve a lot.

Ah how I miss my energy

#Elhamdoullah for those people that came despite the barriers I have build, and took care of me when I couldn't express it.

How are you?

How am I?

the most complicated question nowadays, and sometimes i ask myself do we have to give an answer?

when i am down or sad or upset my only answer is ALIVE, but then for some people that's not enough.

we should find a way to avoid pushing people to talk about what they don't want.

but here it is, sometimes i cannot explain how i am or how i feel but i would love to discuss a dish or climate change.

i feel that i need meaning full conversations, i am tired of useless fun facts.

my stress trigger are so various, i end up avoiding , people, places, noises, and every time i discover a new and  different stress relieve; a book; a tv series, movie night by myself, a genuine discussion, an open heart exchange.

this life is quiet stressful let's make it livable  by been ready to understand the needs of each others.

Djamila Vs Me

Life is confusing

I know that i am a shining person and yet my soul feels sad

I am strongly confident and so insecure

If i say i love you it means i would give everything for you, and sometimes i feel disconnected from you and it hurt.

I am smiling now but my mood changes so fast and i want to be alone

I am healing and hurting in the same time

I am trying to be better and feels to right balance....it takes time... that's ok!

30 days of Ramadhan

 i had high hopes on this month!!!

i believed that it was the right moment to get some new habits, to clean my life and start over, so i focused on praying more, reading quran, being nicer, smile more, cleanse my mind and my heart

unfortunately, after 20 days, i felt the anxiety surrounding me, i get lost in my mind and confused with my emotions, the habit that i was able to construct for 20 days have been lost in two days of strong anxiety.

and then a new exercise had to be started, being strong enough to live through the negative energy without loosing what have been learned lately.

i had to balance between loving my self and blaming my self for not being strong enough, i had to feel the loneliness and yet to keep my head above water to avoid drowning

i realized that to feel better i needed someone that understand every little feeling i was having, someone as he said that loves me and that is stubborn, luckily i love him too.

ramadhan has been hard this year, the stress of not being able to make everything perfect as i wished, not able to be finish my bucket list somehow,  made me consider the fact that i have to work hard during the year to improve, to protect myself from all what could hurt, and to be strong

May allah gives us the strenght to be better

i am not me anymore

 If i had to be totally honest with myself, i am tired, not physically but my mind, my emotions, right inside of me

i am tired to be stressed, i am tired to overthink,i am tired to be scared of everything that i am not doing.

if you see me outside you won't realize it, somehow i see my self as totally broken , and i ask myself if you would see it would you talk to me? would you be there for me?

people around me don't exactly get it, and mainly they want to find the me happy and full of energy but here it is all what i want is screaming my pain and crying out loud.

people asks me to be independant and strong, but how can i do that when i even cannot look at me? when i am unable to ask for help? when i feel lonely and so sad?

I know that i am a good person, i know that there are people that care about me, but i believe that people will get tired of me, and they will give up on me

because is this world ,we all can be replaced

9 years anniversay --- thyroidectomy

 Have you ever had the impression that your head is boiling when actually you are just seating down with your family?

this is how it is for me on daily basis, wherever i am, my head is full with noise, questions, stories imagined by me, and after awhile i could even believe them.

and when i get back to my sense, and get out of my head i feel exhausted, sad, and overwhelmed.

it has been 9 years since my surgery, and i had difficult moments, but this year feels to be the hardest, i am unable to manage my feelings, i am hypersensitive around people and honestly being called drama queen doesn't help.

my anxiety came back, my mood swings are way too frequent and i feel the need to leave everything behind.

i know it is a temporary moment, and i can only feel better, but sometimes to noise in my head is louder than my own voice and i am tired to fight.

i realized through the years that i am the only one that can face this and that sometimes i must close on myself to protect myself , anyway elhamdoullah always

30% of Ramadhan Gone

 Hi

the last 10 days for me were exhausting, usually Ramadhan bring a certain feeling safe and good, this year it has been full of stress, running a lot to finish everything.

Yet, it is the best month to face ourselves, no more evil during 30 days, have you felt the difference, or are you , your own devil. have you felt that your ideas are purified, have you felt that you are nicer or calmer.

basically in the last 10 days, i felt that i was the one blocking myself, i was the one hurting myself, i should stop finding excuses and work hard to be a better person.

if your prayer is not perfect during normal days we would say the devil blocked me, so what would be the reason for an imperfect prayer during ramadhan, if the blocker is not there it should be easy, annnd no, it isn't, we really need to focus on these details if we want to improve and grow.

ramadhan is a reminder that we can give more time to God and religion if we are ready to organize ourselves.

it is a daily work, a daily effort a daily responsability, sometimes small achievement are what makes us going forward, and it start with one page of quran at each prayer

so let's build good habit in ramadhan and keep them after 

allah y 9aderna

Saha ftourekoum

when you & me doesn't mean us anymore (written in 2018)

To you the guy who broke my heart
to you the guy who ignored me
to you the guy who didn't take time to listen to me
to you the guy who hurts me
to you the guy who never saw me as a priority
to you the guy who took me for granted

you have to know that
i am strong
i am not scared to be alone
i don't need you

but
if i always show up
if i always text
if i always call

because,
here i am, i choose you , i want you and this is my worst decision ever.

beyond the pain , i see the smile
beyond the scares, i feel your breath
beyond the distance, i fill my tears

Confidence Challenge....impostor syndrome

 Hi my name is Djamila, i am not confident enough with myself.

Today, i had an amazing moment, i felt proud of myself, of who i am!!

let me explain:

2 years ago, i prepared a meeting with our partners to introduce to them new mandatory tranings and discuss ways of working, it was the first time i had to lead the meeting, and for sure i felt nervous and stressed.

yet i did the job, as good as i felt it was possible, today i have met someone who attended that meeting and who disappeared since,not knowing why,i assumed he moved to new position.

he explained to me that he had a heart attack, and he had to step down, but he mentioned also that after that meeting he went home and talked to his wife and children about me, saying that he was impressed by how i was leading the meeting and giving time to everyone to talk, and being able to combine the right ideas and answer without get nervous or angry since the people i had in front of me where a bit aggressive.

and just like that i felt like 2 years ago i made good impression, and obviously i need to keep working to keep it high.

and i realized that random feedback from time to time, positive or negative can help to improve and grow, so we should start asking our colleagues or manager how are we doing.

between me , myself and I , i have always been able to recognize that i have impostor syndrome , and today i was listening to Emma Chamberlain podcast about this subject and she defined 5 types of it and the one i felt i might be the closer is the expert imposter syndrome, when you believe that you must know everthing about a subject since you are the expert in the room, and this reminded me of the endless training, where people trying to block me on a specific question or knowledge, and me working hard every evening to get better at it and be able to answer all questions.

obviously it was not a healthy behavior, i ended up with a lot of unmanaged feelings.

Emma talked also about impostor syndrom in daily relationship, and i realized that i could relate to that, when the relationship is stable, and then may be something will happen, i will automatically think that i am not enough for the person, i am not doing enough to make to person happy and from that moment once again the confidence challenge is back.

i think there is a daily work to be done, to face the impostor syndrome, yet everyone of us needs to be honest with them self, and work in accepting our flows and improving day by day.

we don t need to be perfect, we need to be mindful with our self

i keep working!!

Happy V. Day??

I am just joking, i don't care much about V. Day, i celebrate love everyday, i say i love you everyday, and somehow, sometimes i feel it is not enough.

This life is a bit small to have hate feelings or hold grudges, of course there is no way to have that perfect barbie world and this is why we all have to be wise or mature enough to see the right signs when to leave, there is a french song saying, we should leave the table when love is cleared, may God bless us.

Now, how about Love? i am a big fan of love, of strong feelings of small gestures, we don't need to say the words i love you to show our love, we could express it with small moments, with normal daily actions and that's the most important.

from time to time i get this and i feel alive, but the rest of the time i need to focus on self love.

for those forgetful, V.Day is an opportunity to show and share their love, for the rest of the population it is over-rated, this year as every year, i shared this with my friends telling them i love you and confirming that i am here for them.

maybe one day, i will get that red teddy bear and rose or sweet chocolate, till then say i love you to the people around you every single day.

Life is too short

 i believe that i should be thankful to God for all what i have been through in my life, good and bad things, what i loved and what i regretted ( yeah i learned that the opposite of love is not hate but regret) the more i move on, the more i see that i have been blessed so Elhamdoullah.

more than any other day i feel that life is too short, things go too quickly, and sometimes ( i should say and everyday) we take it for granted.

as the new year is starting, we are all focused on resolutions and life planning, where do you see yourself in 5 years , even 10 years, career plan, ;couple life plan, and we don't see the fact that everything can stop right now, i am not saying that we need to stop living because someday we might die, i am thinking about life quality first.

many people believe that i have to starve myself in my 20nies so i can enjoy in my forties ( i am just picturing) but if u die in ur 20nies you won't have experienced anything, people connections, free moments in the beach far from everything, so why all of this?

two months ago, i took the decision, to re-balance my life, refusing to overwork, refusing to worry for tomorrow problems and connecting more with the people i love, i have never felt this way before, relaxed, enjoying the moment present, and efficient in my work.

yeah the moment you know that work must be done in those 8 hours office, you will focus on it.

today, my colleague died, i did not have a special connection with him, but i saw him as a nice and respectful person. he is gone because of a heart attack, he was not old, not sick, he was over stressed because of work.

it is not correct to present it like this, because death time is written way before, but still his wellness has not been taken care.

allah yerahmou inchallah if you read this please pray for his soul, we are taking the same road sooner or later.