30 days of Ramadhan

 i had high hopes on this month!!!

i believed that it was the right moment to get some new habits, to clean my life and start over, so i focused on praying more, reading quran, being nicer, smile more, cleanse my mind and my heart

unfortunately, after 20 days, i felt the anxiety surrounding me, i get lost in my mind and confused with my emotions, the habit that i was able to construct for 20 days have been lost in two days of strong anxiety.

and then a new exercise had to be started, being strong enough to live through the negative energy without loosing what have been learned lately.

i had to balance between loving my self and blaming my self for not being strong enough, i had to feel the loneliness and yet to keep my head above water to avoid drowning

i realized that to feel better i needed someone that understand every little feeling i was having, someone as he said that loves me and that is stubborn, luckily i love him too.

ramadhan has been hard this year, the stress of not being able to make everything perfect as i wished, not able to be finish my bucket list somehow,  made me consider the fact that i have to work hard during the year to improve, to protect myself from all what could hurt, and to be strong

May allah gives us the strenght to be better

i am not me anymore

 If i had to be totally honest with myself, i am tired, not physically but my mind, my emotions, right inside of me

i am tired to be stressed, i am tired to overthink,i am tired to be scared of everything that i am not doing.

if you see me outside you won't realize it, somehow i see my self as totally broken , and i ask myself if you would see it would you talk to me? would you be there for me?

people around me don't exactly get it, and mainly they want to find the me happy and full of energy but here it is all what i want is screaming my pain and crying out loud.

people asks me to be independant and strong, but how can i do that when i even cannot look at me? when i am unable to ask for help? when i feel lonely and so sad?

I know that i am a good person, i know that there are people that care about me, but i believe that people will get tired of me, and they will give up on me

because is this world ,we all can be replaced

9 years anniversay --- thyroidectomy

 Have you ever had the impression that your head is boiling when actually you are just seating down with your family?

this is how it is for me on daily basis, wherever i am, my head is full with noise, questions, stories imagined by me, and after awhile i could even believe them.

and when i get back to my sense, and get out of my head i feel exhausted, sad, and overwhelmed.

it has been 9 years since my surgery, and i had difficult moments, but this year feels to be the hardest, i am unable to manage my feelings, i am hypersensitive around people and honestly being called drama queen doesn't help.

my anxiety came back, my mood swings are way too frequent and i feel the need to leave everything behind.

i know it is a temporary moment, and i can only feel better, but sometimes to noise in my head is louder than my own voice and i am tired to fight.

i realized through the years that i am the only one that can face this and that sometimes i must close on myself to protect myself , anyway elhamdoullah always

30% of Ramadhan Gone

 Hi

the last 10 days for me were exhausting, usually Ramadhan bring a certain feeling safe and good, this year it has been full of stress, running a lot to finish everything.

Yet, it is the best month to face ourselves, no more evil during 30 days, have you felt the difference, or are you , your own devil. have you felt that your ideas are purified, have you felt that you are nicer or calmer.

basically in the last 10 days, i felt that i was the one blocking myself, i was the one hurting myself, i should stop finding excuses and work hard to be a better person.

if your prayer is not perfect during normal days we would say the devil blocked me, so what would be the reason for an imperfect prayer during ramadhan, if the blocker is not there it should be easy, annnd no, it isn't, we really need to focus on these details if we want to improve and grow.

ramadhan is a reminder that we can give more time to God and religion if we are ready to organize ourselves.

it is a daily work, a daily effort a daily responsability, sometimes small achievement are what makes us going forward, and it start with one page of quran at each prayer

so let's build good habit in ramadhan and keep them after 

allah y 9aderna

Saha ftourekoum

when you & me doesn't mean us anymore (written in 2018)

To you the guy who broke my heart
to you the guy who ignored me
to you the guy who didn't take time to listen to me
to you the guy who hurts me
to you the guy who never saw me as a priority
to you the guy who took me for granted

you have to know that
i am strong
i am not scared to be alone
i don't need you

but
if i always show up
if i always text
if i always call

because,
here i am, i choose you , i want you and this is my worst decision ever.

beyond the pain , i see the smile
beyond the scares, i feel your breath
beyond the distance, i fill my tears

Confidence Challenge....impostor syndrome

 Hi my name is Djamila, i am not confident enough with myself.

Today, i had an amazing moment, i felt proud of myself, of who i am!!

let me explain:

2 years ago, i prepared a meeting with our partners to introduce to them new mandatory tranings and discuss ways of working, it was the first time i had to lead the meeting, and for sure i felt nervous and stressed.

yet i did the job, as good as i felt it was possible, today i have met someone who attended that meeting and who disappeared since,not knowing why,i assumed he moved to new position.

he explained to me that he had a heart attack, and he had to step down, but he mentioned also that after that meeting he went home and talked to his wife and children about me, saying that he was impressed by how i was leading the meeting and giving time to everyone to talk, and being able to combine the right ideas and answer without get nervous or angry since the people i had in front of me where a bit aggressive.

and just like that i felt like 2 years ago i made good impression, and obviously i need to keep working to keep it high.

and i realized that random feedback from time to time, positive or negative can help to improve and grow, so we should start asking our colleagues or manager how are we doing.

between me , myself and I , i have always been able to recognize that i have impostor syndrome , and today i was listening to Emma Chamberlain podcast about this subject and she defined 5 types of it and the one i felt i might be the closer is the expert imposter syndrome, when you believe that you must know everthing about a subject since you are the expert in the room, and this reminded me of the endless training, where people trying to block me on a specific question or knowledge, and me working hard every evening to get better at it and be able to answer all questions.

obviously it was not a healthy behavior, i ended up with a lot of unmanaged feelings.

Emma talked also about impostor syndrom in daily relationship, and i realized that i could relate to that, when the relationship is stable, and then may be something will happen, i will automatically think that i am not enough for the person, i am not doing enough to make to person happy and from that moment once again the confidence challenge is back.

i think there is a daily work to be done, to face the impostor syndrome, yet everyone of us needs to be honest with them self, and work in accepting our flows and improving day by day.

we don t need to be perfect, we need to be mindful with our self

i keep working!!

Happy V. Day??

I am just joking, i don't care much about V. Day, i celebrate love everyday, i say i love you everyday, and somehow, sometimes i feel it is not enough.

This life is a bit small to have hate feelings or hold grudges, of course there is no way to have that perfect barbie world and this is why we all have to be wise or mature enough to see the right signs when to leave, there is a french song saying, we should leave the table when love is cleared, may God bless us.

Now, how about Love? i am a big fan of love, of strong feelings of small gestures, we don't need to say the words i love you to show our love, we could express it with small moments, with normal daily actions and that's the most important.

from time to time i get this and i feel alive, but the rest of the time i need to focus on self love.

for those forgetful, V.Day is an opportunity to show and share their love, for the rest of the population it is over-rated, this year as every year, i shared this with my friends telling them i love you and confirming that i am here for them.

maybe one day, i will get that red teddy bear and rose or sweet chocolate, till then say i love you to the people around you every single day.

Life is too short

 i believe that i should be thankful to God for all what i have been through in my life, good and bad things, what i loved and what i regretted ( yeah i learned that the opposite of love is not hate but regret) the more i move on, the more i see that i have been blessed so Elhamdoullah.

more than any other day i feel that life is too short, things go too quickly, and sometimes ( i should say and everyday) we take it for granted.

as the new year is starting, we are all focused on resolutions and life planning, where do you see yourself in 5 years , even 10 years, career plan, ;couple life plan, and we don't see the fact that everything can stop right now, i am not saying that we need to stop living because someday we might die, i am thinking about life quality first.

many people believe that i have to starve myself in my 20nies so i can enjoy in my forties ( i am just picturing) but if u die in ur 20nies you won't have experienced anything, people connections, free moments in the beach far from everything, so why all of this?

two months ago, i took the decision, to re-balance my life, refusing to overwork, refusing to worry for tomorrow problems and connecting more with the people i love, i have never felt this way before, relaxed, enjoying the moment present, and efficient in my work.

yeah the moment you know that work must be done in those 8 hours office, you will focus on it.

today, my colleague died, i did not have a special connection with him, but i saw him as a nice and respectful person. he is gone because of a heart attack, he was not old, not sick, he was over stressed because of work.

it is not correct to present it like this, because death time is written way before, but still his wellness has not been taken care.

allah yerahmou inchallah if you read this please pray for his soul, we are taking the same road sooner or later.

Why Djanet was the best remedy to heal my soul ?

 

I believe that everyday, I should take time to review what I have done, what I have said, and in some moments life became overwhelming and no good things can prevail.

In a place like Djanet, all emotions get confused, from the surprise of seeing amazing sceneries to the sadness of not sharing them with the special one, to the fear of the trip to be finished too soon .

And as a thyroid free person, having emotions on free run is not always a good idea

So Djanet is the best choice because it is far enough of the capital ( so of work you cannot just stop your trip and get back to office) and it is in algeria, so no big stress for visa or ticket price

When travelling to tadrart there is no network, you can have a real electronic detox, so basically no need to bring your computer unless you do video editing then where will you charge it?? And better to put airplane mode to your phone to protect your battery ( yes in the desert you learn to save water and power)

Are you that kind of people that would open the phone more than 200 times per day? So in djanet unless you are taking 200 photos per day, you are going to rock the digital wellbeing stats.

So if no one is calling you, you will have to talk to yourself, and of course to the people around you.

Meeting new people, introducing your self, listening to others talking, trying not to cut people during the conversation, respect the order, this is a real exercise. And as they say in personnel development courses, you need to have active listening, and really be interested by what people are saying.

Doing that you will discover people that connect to your soul naturally, no pushing, just an eternal connection that have been revived, you will meet your self, your soul, your mind, your heart lost

what ever you see on daily bases is just amazing, and breath taking, and somehow external life is still influencing your mood, so you start living the moment, second after second, minute after minute, each discussion matter, each star in the sky matter, each seed matters. At that moment you will feel alive, you will enjoy, you will walk bare feet in the sand, you will enjoy the sun and the fresh air, you will be grateful for the food, for the wellbeing environment

 

when you go to djanet for a week you will feel that you went for a month, your heart will feel the peace, your mind will slow down and time will extend.

Djanet is a huge museum and tadrart is a gem, understanding the road, the montains the dunes, the dry rivers, animals traces on the sand, will help you to read the place.

Tadrart won’t be accessible without the touaregs, those people that made us their guests, and treated us as family, they taught us their region, they cooked for us, they shared their tradition, they heard our life and tried to show us a better one.

The touaregs are part of my daily life, each advise learned from them is a blessing, even their jokes have a meaning , they live life with respect and open mind, with understanding and without complicating, god gave us everything and we don’t have big troubles that could remove our sleep, this is the best line I got from one of them

Since that day I want to have a peaceful life I want to have the possibility to shut down everything and enjoy what god gave me

 

I am alive and I am Back!!!

 

Hello people,I am back, yeah 12/12/2023 somehow two years without writing, without expressing.

I went through crazy moments, I focused on work and tried to protect my mental health as much as I could.

Now , why am I back, what is happening? First I feel thank full to god for protecting me from any craziness od this world, then I thank God for blessing me with amazing experiences and people that make my life happier, better,…. Elhmadoullah I am happy

 

So ? what happened?

I did something crazier than skydiving or buggy jumping, I went on a trip to sahara in djanet by myself and I fell in love with life.

I will start from the beginning, I wanted to go to Dubai, yeah as usual I was ready for a 10 days of hot weather, swimming, tanning, sleeping, enjoying life with my best friend, unfortunately the trip was cancelled and I found myself exhausted, being too lazy to apply for any kind of visa, I considered travelling in algeria, and what can I say, I was looking for a place far enough to hear the sound of silence, nice enough to enjoy what I am seeing, and if the people around be can be cool it would be awesome.

I have contacted the agency, selected the dates, paid and started freaking out, I was going on an 8 days trip sleeping under a tent, in a sleeping bag in the desert. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! Totally scared

It will be freezing, I cannot sleep on the floor, how about animals, insects, weird sounds, I was having a stressful life and I was stressing out my life more and more, and I wanted to cancel, no need to hurt myself more than this

I tried to buy the right shoes, clothes but this is not a trip where you can take 30kg, you have to be as light as possible, still you need to have your essentials.

I seat down and I have checked the pros and cons, why go why cancel? The most important cons, I was scared, the most important pros I was tired and reaching a complete burn out.

So let’s go it is time for Tadrat the magnificent Djanet

It all started with a late night, first discussion with the ladies of the group, I have met my best companion my brown sleeping bag, and let’s go , I wrote my usual few words on my traveling notebook, I have slept and started to wonder what am I doing?

Welcome to Djanet—there was a big picture at the airport terminal which is a very small room, with those ochre colors, I should have taken a photo .

And here we go, luggages in the cars , the driver was pretty nice, explaining that tonight we spent the night very near, and early morning we will move into the national park, after few kilometers and a sudden right turn we found our selves on rocky road till we arrived to our camping place, the tents were ready, just go inside get your stuff and sleep it is 3:30 am the sun rises around 6am, you will feel the hot sensation of the first rays of the morning, this is what the guide said.

Inside the tent I realized that I did it I am in djanet with a group of people that I don’t know, in the middle of nowhere, I kept my clothes went inside the sleeping bag and stopped my brain from overthinking.

The night was pretty short.

Few hours sleep , I could feel the light outside, went out and saw the sun raising up, everyone sleeping, some snoring even, but the sun was getting up, made a video for the family before to lose network, faced the sun and felt happy.

I knew that I have taken the right decision; I knew I am going to remember this trip.

we are not safe anymore!!

 being a woman is a gift and a curse

a woman is a life carrier, the heart of the home, the base of the family, but being a woman you will discover that every problem or bad situation might be your fault

4 women have been assaulted and raped for 2 hours in a government residency and no one heard anything, no one helped.

we are not safe anywhere !!

for many years already, i don;t go out, walking in the streets, or to the beach by myself, i cannot stand the unrespectful comments nor the behavior of a certain category of guys, but with what happened today, this means for me i cannot plan to work in another city of my country.

and i get scared by this situation, are we supposed to carrier arms to protect our selves are we supposed to be ready to fight 24/7? this amount of stress is unbelievable ... i might be an optimistic person with a lot of positive energy, but right now i am loosing hope in the future

Rabbi y djib elkheir