IWD

Tomorrow is the international women's day and I don't want flowers, I don't want gifts, I don't want a day off, tomorrow is not a party day, it's not a shopping day, but it's that moment of the year you have to acknowledge that I am working as hard as you, it's the day to recognize that am. Under estimated, that I deserve respect and same recognition as any man around.
For me it's the day for you to see me as the professional that I am.
My wish for tomorrow is that you will be able to open your eyes every single day and understand that being a woman is not a handicap or a curse.
I can be a woman, a mother, a wife, a sister and I can be an engineer or a manager or a pilot.
IWD is a reminder that women are here bringing the best as much as anyone

personal freedom

Oh My Goodness, trying to be a positive person, for me  means that i have to be able to find a positive point to every situation, if the whole world is falling down, being able to breath should be a positive point.

and this week has been the most negative time ever, for a moment i was not able to feel my eyes because of the crying, i was not able to talk to people i was so stressed , nervous, simply overwhelmed with everything.

so to be in this much pain and difficulties, i should have experienced something bad, actually, i do realize that it's not that bad, but the consequence are terrible for me.

So i have lost my driving licence, in my country you get a fine, and the authority will take your licence from you for a month or 3 months depending on the infraction that you have done, this means that you are not allowed to drive till you get it back.
so if it was a matter of going to work, that should not be a big deal, even if i get scared with crazy drivers, i can manage a two way ride per day, but for me it's more than this, it means i cannot take care of my family, go grocery shopping, visit my sister and her baby, driving my mom , go to some cultural events, or extra training, and that was too much.

so whenever someone wants to go somewhere, the best way would be to drive or to be driven, and that's the hurting point, i don;t have a dedicated person in my life, that would take care of me, that would sacrifice everything just to drive me around so i can finish all what i have to do, and it's that moment where everything feels sad, and overwhelming.
and in these kind of moments, i start rambling , thinking of what i had achieved in my life, if i am not even able to have someone near by me that cares this much about me, then i start thinking about my expectations, what am i doing? and why?

and yes i am good at destroying my mind and my strength.
so loosing that precious ID means for me loosing my freedom, loosing the only way i had to feel alive and useful.

i will be fine, sooner or later...

BabyHug!!!

that moment you hold a baby, and hug him you will feel his body relaxing, his little hands reaching your shoulder and he will feel safe enough.
when everything is confusing and no one is around to take care of you, hug a baby, even if you don;t know him, but you meet in a market , you can always ask to hold and hug a baby, they have free love and it does heal everything
i found my little source of love!!!

Happily in shit

two months ago i wanted to write a post named happily in shit, i realized that most of the time we will find our self in a very difficult situation but still find a way to be happy.

so here i was and still am in a weird situation where brain and heart don;t agree, where emotions are too strong to be ignored, where moving on should be an option but i keep still in my position, and find myself happy somehow.

it's during moments like this i see how complex a human being is.

be honest with yourself happiness will be your gift

2017 has started on an emotional way for me, which can be good or bad depending how i manage it.
To get motivation and keep going with life i have watch many videos, tedtalks about happiness, couples therapy etc... and i found myself relating to few situations

how many times anyone of us have we been in a relationship and we heard our self saying i need you in my life, i can;t live without you, i can't face life without you? and then after a week, a month a year the relationship slow down, we see our selves falling out of love, and moving on.

but how about all those words we have exchanged, how about all these promises we had, were we lying to each others? I don;t think so, the moment i said i cannot live without you i meant it, from all my heart mind and soul, but right now i am not with you and i am still alive and fine.

We have that ability to forget through the time, that make us able to move on and reconstruct our self, but i started to belive that if we stop lying to ourself life would be easier.

it would be more realistic to say honey , right now i am so in love with you, all what i want is to spend a quite evening with you, than saying, i love you so much i can never be happy without you in my life.

moving on step by step, enjoying every single happiness moment, without extrapolation to an unknown future is what makes happiness last longer.

Everyday, i learn more about myself, and i try to keep stronger !!!

Positive Attitude

In this first month of 2017, and very soon the begining of the Chinese New Year, let's take a moment to reflect on whatever happened on the last 12 months, keep the best, learn from the worst and be ready to do better.

Every single day is a new chance to repair whatever was broken, to improve whoever we are, and to learn to go beyond our limits.

so even if life is hard and hurting, look for the positive of it, to go up and higher, never doubt how strong you can be to face any difficulty.

let's bring the positive of everyone around us!!!

Cheers!!

When Internet find the words o was looking for

・・・
To my lover,

Let's have a deal. If one day you get attracted to somebody else, before you get her number or before you make a move or before you flirt back 'unconsiously', I want you to tell me. Tell it straight to my face. Tell me that someone else is getting your attention. Tell me that a part of you is still missing even if you're with me. I don't care if it will crush my heart and I couldn't care less if it will break us apart. I just want you to be honest with me. We both deserve each other's honesty, right? I never want you to do something that will make you look or feel bad. You're not a cheater and I will not allow you to start to become one. And even though I want you all to myself, my love for you is greater than my own selfishness. Your happiness will always come first. So if one day you wake up and realize that I'm no longer the reason why you're excited to open your eyes or if someone else is already making you smile like a goofball, please tell me. Because no matter how much you mean to me, I'm willing to give you your freedom to choose what makes you happy.
Yours trully.
--B.Estreller
.
.l

strong or weak

i have always heard my self saying , i love who i am when you are around, and then when the person is not around i wonder how do i feel about my self.
it took me time to become an independent person, with the strength to feel happy for who i am and not for who i am with. and as difficult as it was that achievement is one of the most important.
and then, sometimes i fall in love, and just like that i lose what ever i have built, for the only reason, that i start trusting the person, and give that person the possibility to make me happy, to take care of me, and suddenly, me who was ready to be strong and independent, i find myself depending on someone for everything even for a smile.
aie aie aie, djamila you should be able to depend on urself all the time.
life is about balance, and it's the most difficult thing to reach

i am worth fighting for..remember that

What i love about poetry on instagram, is that with very short sentences or text, you can be touched and feel special.
i found this : you are worth fighting for, remember that, and at that moment i remembered that i do matter, and obvisouly it reminded me of someone telling me that he does matter in my life, it's funny how everything goes together and quickly.
so right now in my situation, with my broken heart and difficult choices to face, i have to remember that my happiness is what matters most, and yes i am worth fighting for.
i have asked someone actually not just someone but i should call him the one to fight for me, to go beyond those limit and show me that i am important , he didn't and i think it will always be a regret i will have in my life.
so i think i should move on and find the person that would be ready to fight for me, to be ready to make me the first and only priority.
i am 36 years old, i do matter and i am worth fighting for!!

How to introduce your self?

Hi my name is Djamila and i will be your trainer for the coming days, this is how most of the time i would introduce my self when i enter my classroom

Then there is the other introdcution i will have in an event, i would say hi my name is Djamila am a technical trainer for a Chinese company, i have a master degree from National Polytechnical school in electronics, and most of the time i would hear oh waw that's interesting, that's cool, which for me i would qualify it as that's normal, if i can do it anyone should be able to do it as well.

but then what i am really is not just this, i love my job and i love the technical world i am living in, but it should not be the best way to describe me, but being part of a judgmental society, it's a very dangerous fact to say out loud who you are, becasue instead of being that intellectual friend that we are happy to exhibit around you will become that exotic person that no one wants to relate to, and everyone is showing their distance from you.

so for many years, i have been the engineer, the worker, the teacher, till the day i accepted the fact that i am exotic and this is one of what makes me ME.

so on this blog and on any possible occasion, if i have to talk about my self i would say, i'm djamila, globetrotter,  languages passionate,writer,chef, knitter , dancer from the heart, africain soul , taiji learner, and skydiver, and just at that moment i would add ohhh am an technical engineer in telecommunication and after people listening to me were ready to put me in the exotic crazy box they just got confused, this person cannot be classified, it's that free electron that is running around and everywhere and we don;t know what to do with her,
for me it did not matter, i am me, crazy enough to dance in a mall because i like the music, totally nuts to travel for the weekend to the southest of the continent just to meet my best friends and have few dances, or i will spend hours making baby clothes coz the winter is coming, will choose to bake cookies, because the smell of it will remove any negative thoughts.
so i believe that introduce your self means first accepting who you are, and being able to make the right judgment to share that information with the right people.
i am sure that my fancy personality is having more effect on me now that i embraced who i am, but i still decided to not share it with everyone. becasue there is nothing worst than a judgemental eye. 

2016 a difficult year

when 2016 has started i was expecting it to be a crazy amazing year!!! i did not have that much resolutions, just wishing to get the best of it.
professionally i had to face challenges, by teaching after sales staff from Algeria or even from India, knowing the difficulty to stand strong in front of field guys , with years experience, and convince them that u can teach them something new and you have knowledge.
but it was a good thing for me, i was able to work harder to bring the best of this training.

This life is a continuity of up and downs , and that moment i was feeling strong enough to face any thing, i had the most difficult experience, out of nowhere, the man of my life, my father got sick, and suddenly my world crushed, every certainty has vanished, i realized that nothing can be awesome and amazing all time.
it was one of the hardest time ever, i had to move on and be strong, and be there for him, we have been lucky enough to find the right persons at the right moment, but the moment you realize that your main strength is weak it's a big tornado, and even when my father got better, i felt insecure, i felt  not able to leave home anymore, i felt the necessity to be around my family all time.

and the leaving moment arrived, the forced leaving , when job is calling you and you cannot refuse it, i had to deal emotionally with myself to manage my fear to let go, i arrived to india, a new country, a new destination and a new adventure.
i had the chance to see a dream come true, when i visited the TajMahal, the love symbol place, i felt happy , and even going there alone, i realized that being happy with my self is the best achievement i can do.
2016 is not over yet, i am getting ready for few adventure before to move on to 2017.
i just hope i can have those special moments i have in my mind!!!